Breakups aren’t fun. But Facebook has perfectly constructed the stage where we can all enjoy getting dumped.
What should I do with all the bean dip I made?
Of course, Facebook breakups aren’t fun for the couple splitting up. But for the rest of us, an online split is like watching great reality television. But what about those of us who think they can breakup with Facebook?
We all probably know someone who has broken up with Facebook, even if it is just a “break.” Maybe you’re even guilty of breaking up with Facebook.
No matter what your relationship status is with Facebook, we all need to have a lesson in the types of Facebook breakups.
The Blindside
The blindside breakup is also known as the “never-saw-it-coming breakup.” Facebook breakups that are considered blindside breakups are ones that happen out of the blue. Poor, unsuspecting Facebook all of a sudden loses your trust. Right when Facebook was about to celebrate your two year, seven month anniversary, you pull the rug on social media and cut ties.
That’s so sweet that it makes me want to breakup with you.
And you aren’t just blindsiding Facebook either. Your Facebook breakup blindsides your friends and family too. Nobody ever saw it coming. One day you are posting cat pictures and playing candy crush, and then, bam! Relationship over.
The “It’s not you, it’s me.”
It’s the one thing no girl ever wants to hear, and even Facebook can’t escape it’s cliched grip.
There are lots of reasons why “it’s not you, it’s me.” Sometimes we just grow out of the Facebook relationship and become too busy to write even a simple status update. For young undergraduates looking for an “adult” job, it almost becomes impossible not to get rid of your Facebook.
I’ve also seen people “breakup with Facebook” because everyone seems to be throwing their opinion around. This behavior typically happens around election season or any other type of scandal. They quickly realize that Facebook is every man’s soapbox and swiftly exit the online shouting match.
No, Michael Cera, it’s definitely you.
The On-Again, Off-Again Split
The on-again, off-again split is probably my favorite kind of Facebook split, just as it is my favorite breakup to watch in general. You know how it generally goes. . . the couple fights, breaks up, and then gets back together. They make some gross display of public affection, but then it all blows up in their face (and on Facebook) a week later. Just repeat these steps at least seven more times and you have a very explosive finale.
Well, this type of behavior happens when breaking up with Facebook too. I saw it happen a lot when Facebook was making frequent profile and newsfeed updates. People were often furious with the changes, left Facebook, but then revived their page days later. . . only to be disappointed yet again next week. Could anything really satisfy them though?
The Double-Cross
The double-cross, the trade-in, the trade-up, the cheater. If you use social media as much as I do, you obviously cheat on Facebook. You probably have a Twitter account, Pinterest, Instagram, and Kumbuya. But if you are like me, then you would never consider leaving Facebook.
Facebook just isn’t the same without Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram. . .
However, more and more people are leaving Facebook for another social media. I see it happening a lot with high-schoolers and Twitter fanatics. There are a lot of social medias out there, and people are only asking for more.
Side note. If you don’t have a Kumbuya account yet, get it.
The Ghosting
Ghosting breakups have been happening for years. Now they have invaded Facebook as well. Ghosting is when the person disappears, instead of having a conversation with the person getting broken up with. It’s a lot like the “I’m not calling it a breakup, but it’s really a breakup” and the “I need space” breakup. However with a typical Facebook Ghosting, someone that you know just disappears from Facebook all together.
The Text Breakup
Last but not least, a text breakup is when a status goes up about why the person is breaking up with Facebook. It’s a lot like when you get broken up via text message, but instead it’s with Facebook. Generally people write the status, watch the comments pile up, and then delete their Facebook. It’s as simple as that. . . except Facebook doesn’t really care how you broke up with them. At least it’s not on a post-it.
Have you broken up with Facebook? Did you eventually kiss and make up? What was your reason for leaving Facebook in the social media dust?
